A Must-Read Guide To Drug Tests: Using Monkey Dong
There are three constants in life: death, taxes, and drug tests!
Drug tests are almost always inescapable. Most employers conduct random drug tests in their workplaces to keep employees on their toes. Bummer, right?
Thankfully, there are some highly-effective ways to pass almost any drug test! But there’s also a lot of BS out there, so you need to stick to what has already been found reliable.
I’ve spent quite a while researching this stuff, and out of all these products, I gotta give a shout-out to my main thing: Quick Fix 6.2. This thing has saved my ass more times than I’d like to admit. It’s so reliable that I don’t even bat an eye when they announce drug tests at work. BUT, Quick Fix is just a synthetic urine, and most of the time you’re going to need a synthetic penis to really fool the examiner.
Today we’re going to be taking a look at one of the most prominent synthetic dicks on the market: the Monkey Dong!
What’s With Monkey Dong?
The Monkey Dong can be used in a lot of ways *wink* but let’s just stick to what’s important here, okay?
First, note that you might be overwhelmed when you open a box of Monkey Dong and find out there are a lot of things inside (about 8 of them!) but these are all useful components to pass that dreadful test. These are:
- A vial of dehydrated synthetic urine
- The strap-on device (with a prosthetic penis)
- A temperature label
- A syringe
- Four temperature-regulating packs (heat packs)
So that’s eight, overall! What are these for, you ask? Let’s break them down one by one.
The vial of dehydrated synthetic urine is what you will use for the test as your pee. When mixed with about 3oz of water, it can pass as real pee (with normal levels of acidity, uric acid, and creatinine) and help you get away with the drug test despite taking in some of that fun substance the night before!
The prosthetic penis or the Monkey Dong looks a bit funny but the company responsible for this is serious when it wants you to pass that test without raising suspicion. The company actually offers six colors for the dong to match your skin color and make the entire thing look genuine and realistic.
The temperature label (or temperature strip) is what you will use to ensure the substitute urine you’ll be using is within normal levels of – you’ve guessed it – temperature. Laboratories normally check the temperature of the urine you’ll be submitting to ensure it’s unadulterated.
All urine samples have to fall within 90 to 100 Fahrenheit (around 32 to 38 Celsius). Otherwise, they’ll be considered invalid and you will fail your test. The syringe is there so you can transfer the synthetic urine you’ve mixed into the strap-on device.
The four heat packs are used to regulate the temperature of your piss and make sure they fall within the normal temp range for urine.
Why Choose Monkey Dong?
I’ve studied ways for you to pass drug tests and I’ve found out that urine substitutes are the safest option. However, there are labs that require you to be accompanied by a professional while peeing to ensure that you are not using substitutes.
This sounds terrifying! That’s why Monkey Dong’s realistic dong that matches your skin tone can help you rest assured that your plan is going smoothly! But what about other alternatives like detox drinks? Or drinks that promise to remove substances like weed from your body before the test?
I have found out that detox drinks are semi-unreliable. Most drinks still leave traces of drugs like weed in your system that may cause you to fail these tests.
This routine can affect your urine’s acidity and creatinine levels which could raise suspicion and compromise your test! This is why strap-on devices with synthetic urine like Monkey Dong are the safest option out there.
How To Use Monkey Dong?
The Monkey Dong is easy to use. In fact, you can use the product intuitively that you don't need instructions to use it. But just to be safe, the Monkey Dong box comes with an instruction for you to follow. Let’s simplify these steps for you:
- The strap-on device actually comes with a urine bag (and a belt) where you put the synthetic urine in. This device comes with an external safety valve built to keep all the liquid in and prevent leaking.
- Use the syringe to transfer the dehydrated urine (which, as mentioned before, you will mix with 3oz of water. Seal the valve.
- At least an hour before the test, apply the heat packs on the urine bag (it’s adhesive and can stick on its own!)
- When wrapping the device around your waist, ensure that the bag is in contact with your body. This helps the urine substitute inside to be regulated within normal temperature levels.
- Double-check the temperature before going in for the test.
- To release the liquid, just squeeze the tip of the dong.
- Practice before doing this to ensure everything goes smoothly. Always clean after use.
Always remember to make sure that no leakage is spotted before having the actual test. Seal the valve tightly and ensure the liquid is within normal temperature levels. Try to test the squeeze-and-pee mechanism before the test day so that everything goes seamlessly. Now let’s get to the product review and what I think about it.
The Monkey Dong Review
What better way to recommend a product than to actually buy the product and test it for yourself! At least that’s what I did!
When I got the Dong, I noticed that the material used for the device is high-grade. It’s thick, it doesn’t smell, and it doesn’t appear plasticky.
The website I got the product from only offers five colors: white, tan, latino, brown, and black. Between those colors, at least one will look realistic on your body!
The Monkey Dong is also extremely easy to use. In fact, you can use the product with just one hand! All you have to do is squeeze the tip and the piss will quickly come out without noise.
I also love the shipping service! It has a same-day shipping offer and the packaging is so discreet that no one will ever know what’s inside the box. It’s also cheap compared to other urine devices on the market. If you’re curious about where I got the product, I’ve got two words for you: Official website! Don’t risk getting it from third party sellers – there’s just no way to know if you’re getting the real deal.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Where is the product made?
The product is made in the USA.
Do they have a same-day shipping option?
Yes. You can get your product on the same day you bought it. This makes it convenient for those who urgently need the product.
Is the shipping discreet?
Yes, it is. The name of the product, its description, and the company name will not be written on the package upon delivery. Your credit card statement will also not contain sensitive information about the purchase.
Do they have a toll-free customer service number?
Yes, they do.
Who made the Monkey Dong?
The guys behind Serious Monkey Bizzness.
Is the Monkey Dong legal?
It is. To remain legal, the company markets the product as something you can use for pranks or as a prop for sex. In the eyes of the law, you cannot use the product to cheat on drug tests.
Conclusion
When you’ve got an important drug test coming up, you need the most reliable products you can get. For my money, I’m always going with the dream team baby! Quick Fix 6.2 + Monkey Dong – it’s a match made in heaven and I could rave about them all day
The Monkey Dong also comes at an affordable price compared to other products on the market. And with Quick Fix’s formulation designed to replicate real urine, you are guaranteed to pass your drug test without having to wait for days (or months) for detoxification to happen.
The shipping also comes with ease and confidentiality. You can get the product on the same day you bought it and the packaging is discreet. The product is also completely legal to purchase. Should you encounter problems with the product you have purchased, the company has a toll-free customer service hotline that you can contact.
So the next time you hit that blunt, don’t worry! Use Monkey Dong and breeze through that drug test!
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